kill hank morris

dammit, it feels like 6 months since i last posted a legitimate (?) blog. the written word has proved itself to be a burden the last couple of weeks. many irons in the proverbial fire.

i quite enjoyed doing the podcast. we should be recording another on thursday with John Elliott, a fabulous (no homo) songwriter from Minnesota (!) of all places. he travels more than Kwai Chang Caine, touring all over the country with various other gypsies and transients, and is a favorite of both the bar and the HWC family unit. he's one of the nicest sons of bitches on the planet, especially for a vegan, and i always look forward to having him come by. if you want to update yourself before then, you can go to his myspace page - myspace.com/thehereafterishere and listen to some of his stuff.

he's got a new album that we will be discussing on the podcast, and hopefully he will let us play one or two of his songs without suing us for copyright infringement.

let's get to some updates.


One-Percenters Update:

they almost got us.

apparently three individuals (fresh out the joint) that should be featured on an upcoming episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals" were recently foiled in an ill-fated attempt to host an armed-robbery party at the bar. by party, i mean that they were going to take all our money at gunpoint and probably watch me pee myself, which probably would have given them a good laugh and been quite rewarding for them on a personal level. you have to be able to enjoy your job sometimes, you know? all work and no play makes jack a dull felon.

they had been waiting around in the parking lot one night after we closed and told a dude (a regular of ours asking for a ride home) what they had in mind. he decided he didn't want to intrude, so he got a lift from somebody else and called the bar to let us know they were outside. of course, they did the "ninja vanish" by the time the police arrived.

two nights later, one of them tried to come in as a customer. our bouncer Billy Bob (i swear i'm not making that up) told him that he was clearly not welcome back. as he walked away, they could see he had a gun tucked into his Fubu boxer briefs, and their cars were again in the parking lot at the end of the night. fun, right?

skipping a lot of unnecessary details, they got arrested two nights later at a bar down the street from us. one of them had been walking through their establishment, eyeballing tip jars, looking around behind the bar, etc. mike had passed on descriptions of their vehicles to the people that work there (all friends of ours), and sure enough, when one of the employees walked out to check the parking lot, they were parked right outside the front door. brilliant.

they didn't get a chance to leave before the police appeared this time. apparently, the officers of the law had them surrounded with four or five cars, and we've heard an unsubstantiated report that all their service weapons were drawn.

apparently, they all had various warrants, so they all got to take a trip to jail. they've probably bonded out by now and are modifying their approach for next time. i watch The Wire. i know what's up.

it wasn't all negative, though. i got to learn what the phrase "jack moves" means.


Mailbag Update:

too soon? of course not. as always, some of these may actually be real, although likely edited for length or content. others may be completely fabricated. the responses are all authentic, however.

"cornbread! your blog makes me laugh so hard that i shart, and then i sit in said shart and finish reading til i'm done. reading. also, you typed "and" once instead of "an" in a recent post. troubling to say the least. i like japs. yours with load in pants. p.s. - load in back of pants, not front." - hillwolf

HWC appreciates your, um, excitement/excrement over the blog. next time you write us, however, it may not be a bad idea to have a close friend or family member read over your submission, just to make sure it doesn't sound like you may be a danger to yourself or others. also, "japs" is not the preferred nomenclature, round-eye. asian-american, please. you're on it. - HWC

"hey, Hot Water Cornbread! my birthday was on valentine's day. not only did i not have a significant other to spend it with, but all my friends cancelled on our plans to go out that night. so instead, i spent the evening at a local pub, drinking shots of Jack Daniels and flirting with a guy that appeared to be some kind of latino. he was brown, at least, but not TOO brown, if you know what i mean. anyhoo, it seemed like we hit it off pretty well, and i keep going back to the same pub hoping to run into him. if and when i see him again, how do i woo him? i'd really like some of that tan dong, but i got no skills. you know who does have skills? my friend robin. did i tell you about that time we drank all that Crown Royal and then read your blog? maybe next time. thanks!" - anna

thanks for the email, anna. your friends cancelling on such an important day is potentially unforgivable. they are possibly overrated. to your other point, you don't really need old-fashioned skills in this day and age. that's analog thinking. you need two things to get all the "tan dong" you could ever want: whiskey and blowjobs. if that doesn't work, maybe your friend robin could help you out. or maybe she could email HWC herself once in a goddam while to help us have enough motherloving material for a fucking mailbag! and yes, you told me about the Crown thing last mailbag. i'd encourage you to stop drinking so much on account of the memory loss, but you probably wouldn't like the blog so much if you didn't read it hammered all the time. stay crunk, home skillet! you're on it. - HWC


"sorry i walked my tab last night, dave. i was dealing with the lesbian fight outside. i'll make it right." - smokey

i trust you to do the right thing, smokey. and if not, i trust that your kneecaps will break when i take the bat to them. you're on it. - HWC (i wish this email had been made up)


"dear HWC, i hope that i have the honor of being the first HWC fan to send in an email. i haven't finished first in anything in a long time and, quite frankly, i could use the ego boost. congratulations on your recent google accomplishment. #38 is quite a feat. i haven't finished #38 in anything in a long time and, quite frankly, i could use the ego boost. things haven't been going that well for me, HWC. to be honest, it's hard to get out of bed some days. it's just like most days i don't really feel like i have anything to live for. (editor's note: the majority of this email has not been included on account of it being boring as hell. we should also add the disclaimer that HWC will not be held responsible for any reader causing harm to his/herself) any suggestions?" - rick

sorry, rick, but you weren't first. 38th is closer to accurate, but not quite. sucks for you, i'm sure. i know you were really hoping to finish way up there. if you are looking for something to do, maybe you could start your own blog! as long as you update it more than once a month, you should do quite well with it. you could write about all your problems or anything you like. don't worry about sending me a link. i'm sure i'll find it on my own. would it make you feel better if i told you that you're on it? you're on it. - HWC

"to whom it may concern at Hot Water Cornbread, terry is right. i should have my own area on your blog. or, like wordless wednesday, you did Sweet Tits Thursday! also, i'm glad that you think my ass is tight enough to tell the whole freaking internet about it. we'll discuss this later. dick." - Sweet Tits

what would you even write about? periods? dead baby blogs? throwing your laundry on the floor? not bloody likely. also, i am going to be late picking you up from work today. i'm waiting on the beer guy to deliver, and he won't be here until 5. sorry. you're on it or whatever. - HWC

currently on the white board behind the bar: how dare you?

i also feel obligated to mention that we got an unplanned show from musical somebody Cory Branan at the bar this past sunday night. he was passing through town on his way back to Austin and decided to stop in. his mistake as he was quickly cajoled/bribed into playing a 90-minute set. sucker. he has played here a couple of times in the last year, but has been playing in town for a long time. if you don't know any of his music, you should definitely check out his show sometime. he probably has a myspace page, and it's probably something like myspace.com/corybranan or something. but it may not be. i don't know.

any questions or complaints or comments can be directed to hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com, as always. i'll read em and weep. also, as always.

i'm on it.

dave