vanguard monaural

i am absolutely in neutral.

i leave for the first actual vacation i've had in 4 or 5 years next week and, to be honest, i can't really think about anything else. i sat in front of my computer for an hour yesterday and could not focus enough to write. but, rather than leave you without anything for another week, i am including the salient excerpts of a chat that my friend Terry (Yak) and i had online while i was at work this morning.

we discuss his latest blog posting about the disappearance of saturday morning cartoons (unmagicalrealism.blogspot.com), tracking your shipments via the interwebnets, selling shoes, the Church of James Brown, and assorted offshoots of all these topics.

as always, it has certainly been edited for content. and occasionally to make me sound smarter. also be forewarned that it may take you longer to read this than to listen to the hour-plus podcast that was posted last week. my comments are included in italics. this may or may not make it easier to read.


Yak Chat Update:

Terry: did you enjoy my last blog? i got a little carried away. that happens a lot when i write those blogs.

HWC: i think it meandered a bit, but i did enjoy it. you goddam meanderer.

Terry: that's me! i can meander circles (or ellipses) around most men.

HWC: i really am curious as to when the saturday morning cartoons died. my youngest brother watched them growing up, for sure. he's 6 years younger than me. but i don't know about my sister, who is 16 years younger. i think she did, but it couldn't have been much after that. i mean, The Girl child is 9 and she's never really watched them. of course, we've never really had television.

Terry: i don't know. there are actually some cartoons on, but they don't start until like 10 and there are only a few. i don't think nbc or fox have any at all.

HWC: that's bullshit. back in the day they started at like 6:30, after the morning news. and there were shitloads until the big kids shows came on, like saved by the bell

Terry: the funny thing is, Saved by the Bell still comes on, and it's old episodes. why the hell don't they show looney tunes any more? it sculpted our generation's warped, anti-PC senses of humor! plus, those shorts were already 40 years old when we watched them! they are timeless!

HWC: it smacks of liberal white guilt.

Terry: i was actually going to blame the conservative christian lobby. but you are probably right.

HWC: what? i'm clearly right. you think conservative christians have a problem with racism in cartoons? you've lost your mind. they don't even really have a problem with racism in real life.

Terry: yeah, but the shit has been replaced with Veggie Tales. which i think is some christian propaganda cartoon.

HWC: yeah, it is. and unfortunately, it has its moments. for the record, i've never spent money on a Veggie Tales dvd.

Terry: whatever

HWC: i did just buy the kids this multi dvd pack of 200 classic cartoons the other day. popeye, betty boop, the three stooges cartoon, etc., and they fucking love it.

Terry: anna (editor's note: anna is Terry's fiance. or fiancee.) has the looney tunes silver collection dvd box set

HWC: i would buy that, if i didn't think those mindless little bastards would fuck it up.

Terry: my next blog is going to be about how much i love tracking packages on the internet after i order stuff. it is so exciting!!!!

HWC: maybe your ups guy has a twitter! he could twitter you about his feelings while he's carrying your package (no homo)!

Terry: not funny. anyways...i ordered some shoes on saturday. checked the Finish Line website yesterday to see if they'd shipped. they hadn't, according to them. so, then this morning i got an email saying they'd shipped and giving me my tracking number. so i checked it, and the MFers are already in arlington!!! that is not cool to sneak them up on me like that!!!! i want to track them across country and get mad.

HWC: did you order sneakers? maybe that's why you didn't hear them coming. have you been reading "we are respectable negroes"? (editor's note: this is a real and tremendous blog. when you have time, you can find it at wearerespectablenegroes.blogspot.com)

Terry: nope, i don't read that crap. i should, thought. i just read it that one time, and it was good

HWC: they recently established the Church of James Brown. did we talk about that?

Terry: no. you might of mentioned, and i might of ignored you. so let's say you didn't.

HWC: i might of? or i might HAVE, country boy?

Terry: you ever heard me pronounce watch? or wash?

HWC: warsh?

Terry: exactly. i have to make a concerted effort not to say it that way. i can't help it.
my sister-in-law goes to The Wal-Marts

HWC: oooo, i love it when they say "the" in front of it

Terry: i was going to devote a post to this video, because it plays in the background of one of my favorite movies, Being There, which i was watching again last night. it is so awesome AND offensive. the main voice on the song is actually Cheech Marin. it was on one of their albums. George Harrison and Billy Preston are among the myriad great musicians doing the music. (editor's note: the embed code for this video was totally effed. sorry for the lame-ass link.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIbp5C-5WXM

HWC: Bill S. Preston, Esquire? from Wyld Stallyons? oh, i'm familiar, sir. my favorite part is that you can see the cheerleaders are wearing days-of-the-week underpants. aw, shit, and the part where he tells Chick Hearn to shut up. that old man didn't do anything to deserve that. there are also a lot of visible nipples. not on Chick Hearn, though.

Terry: i had forgotten it existed. hey, if you're going to use part of this chat, can we just start over? so i can sound clever? or more cleverer?

HWC: i'll edit you up, i'm sure, to make you sound smarter. or down, depending. (editor's note: Terry was certainly NOT edited to sound smarter or more charming.) i was trying to talk about the Church of James Brown.

Terry: i am unfamiliar with that

HWC: basically, they wanted to provide a format for black people to talk about things they dislike that are considered "typically" black.

Terry: typically black things they dislike? like what?

HWC: vocoder music

Terry: white people?

HWC: bling. rims. pepper sauce. wild'n out. et cetera.

Terry: we should start our own version. by the way, what does james brown have to do with it?do they dislike him? or is he some kind of patron saint?

HWC: he's the one thing that all black people can agree kicks ass. he's like the George W. Bush from 2000. he's a uniter, not a divider.

Terry: oh, i see. we'd have to think of a white equivalent. i would say the beatles, but rednecks aren't that into them.

HWC: eminem?

Terry: exactly. my grandma loves him. john updike?

HWC: not bad. although "The Church of The Centaur" might attract a weird crowd.

Terry: carrot top - everyone loves him. he can be our saint. i kid. (editor's note: we don't think he was kidding.)

HWC: a comedian might be the way to go. the Church of Larry David?

Terry: cliff clavin!who doesn't like cliff clavin?

HWC: plenty of people. go to ihatecliffclavin.blogspot.com

Terry: what is wrong with them? this has to be a joke.

HWC: and..... he clicks the link....

Terry: and of course it's a joke. very nice, asshole.

HWC: i think the fact that the links is lit up blue makes it simply irresistible (no Robert Palmer).

Terry: i used to work with a girl who hated cilantro. she subscribed to all these blogs about people who hate cilantro.

HWC: i don't understand the hatred for cilantro. it smacks of xenophobia and racism. i like it when things smack of something, for the record...

Terry: the girl is part hispanic!!!!!!

HWC: she's a self-loathing wetback, then. (editor's note: no offense, Uno.) the Church of the Beastie Boys? Beck? nobody doesn't love Two Turntables and a Microphone.

Terry: you know what - a lot of people do like the beastie boys. i went to school with some hicks who were all like, "hell yeah man, i love that there brass monkey song". johnny cash? everybody does love him - hipsters, old people, rednecks, stoners, heavy metal people, bikers, christians, satanists.

HWC: a lot of girls don't.

Terry: girls don't count!!! godammit!!! hey, do you ever "accidentally" knock down children who are rolling around the grocery store on those stupid heelie shoes? "oh i'm sorry, didn't see you there"

HWC: no comment. we had a grown-up wearing them in the bar one night. it did not end well for him.

Terry: my friend marcus from high school texted me last year to tell me he had gotten a pair. i am not sure if he was trying to be ironic or not. probably not. he likes bmx bikes.

HWC: to be fair, they probably are modestly fun. but you can't avoid looking like a total ass-hat while you are wearing them.

Terry: i worked at Journey's for about two weeks back in 2000 or so, and they had just come out, and everybody there wore them for work, because you could get a pair out and wear them during your shift without buying them. anyways, i couldn't do it. i mean, i tried, but i literally couldn't do it.

HWC: that's a shocking confession. how dare you...

Terry: man, i was a shoe salesman extraordinaire.

HWC: i don't think i could sell shoes. i wouldn't want that many crotches eye-level all the time.

Terry: no, no. you only get down there for women. dudes don't like it anyways, so you just hand them the box.

HWC: sign. me. up.

Terry: i worked at a store in the mall in frisco that sold doc martens (in 2000, when they were super hot), so lots of suburban teenage girls. keep in mind, i myself was still a teenager, so that makes it not creepy

HWC: "i really like these shoes, but i don't have any money..." bow-chicka-wow-wow... (editor's note: that is supposed to represent the beginning of the classic porn music.)

Terry: it happens

HWC: how many blowjobs in the stockroom?

Terry: well, that never really happenedi have never been one to manufacture sexual exploits, what with so many real ones to boast of.

HWC: booooring. i'm about halfway through stephen colbert's book at the moment. better than i thought it would be. it's all the stuff in the margins that really makes it work. a lot of footnotes that function as his commentary.

Terry: oh, i love books with footnotes, and charts, etc. huge dave barry fan growing up. he really shaped my writing style

HWC: i fucking loved dave barry back in the day

Terry: so, to this point in this chat, i have cited looney tunes and dave barry as two influences. i want to specifically cite Chuck Jones.

HWC: my mom and i used to read him in the dallas morning news on sundayswe would fight over that section when we brought the paper in from the yard. my favorite article of his ever was like coverage of the 1996 Olympics, with the original Dream Team. he says something about "Charles Barkley scoring 47 points before being ejected for arson"

Terry: do you like bill bryson? he wrote "A Walk In The Woods", "The Mother Tongue", "Notes From a Tiny Island",etc.

HWC: the titles all sound like gay romance novels

Terry: joe (via jake b.) turned me on to that

HWC: gay romance novels?

Terry: no, it is non-fiction ridiculous travel essayshe also has one about the history of science (he knows nothing about science) called "A Short History of Nearly Everything" which is really good.

HWC: everything cool joe is a part of has been stolen directly from you, me, or jake, i'm pretty sure. he's a culture thief. i will probably include all this. because i know he doesn't read either one of our blogs. (editor's note: this section was indeed included in what you are reading right now.)

Terry: joe also has sex with animals - hey, all you readers out there! don't tell him you know. he thinks it's a secret. oh, god, we are making bestiality jokes. are we out of material? i think you and i would make a good podcast. we would talk for probably a good three hours, and bore all your readers (listeners?) to tears. constantly interrupting each other.

HWC: think we could get bill simmons?

Terry: hell, yeah, we could!


currently on the white board behind the bar: Sorry, Chitty.

that's all for now. emails! hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com. podcast! please see the post below this one for the links. or, you can find it on itunes. just search for "hot water cornbread" under the podcast tab. it should come up as the ONLY and BEST podcast with that name. mike, Sweet Tits and i are going to see our friend Hank play at Whitewater Tavern in Little Rock tonite. i'm very excited about all the drunkness! as they say in Shiner, Texas, "Prosit!"

i'm on it.

dave