who will cut our hair when we're gone?

i do not have a plan.

chances are, this statement applies to many facets of my life. (vegas has the current odds at 3.5:1). in this context, however, i only mean it in the sense that i don't know how, or even if, this blog will go. (vegas has the over/under set at 18 days).

for the record, i do not consider any of the details of my daily life to be terribly poignant or interesting. i do not have any strong political opinions or any cool views on society. i'm not close to being rich or famous, although i did once kiss Adam Duritz on the mouth at a concert after-party (please see: Crows, Counting).

what i do have is a crude personal introduction. crude as in "rudimentary", not as in "overtly sexual or lascivious".

don't feel like you need any personal pertinent facts? then feel free to skip the following paragraph.

i manage a bar that is frequently populated with the stupidest and least house-trained one percent of the population. i do not sleep much, and i am not very good at it when i do. i cook when i have time. i look like a mildly well-known indie rapper (please see: Francis, Sage). i love the art of gambling, but i only have the sack to engage in a couple of forms (please see: poker, Texas Hold'em and ball games, foot). i love a whole lot of bands that you have to look for to find. with the concession that sanity is a relative quality, i am married to a girl who may well be the least insane woman on the planet (please see: Jordan, Sweet Tits). i own three children, none of whom are employed or contribute anything toward the household bills (please see: Jordan, The Girl, The Middle One, and The Tiny Baby). i am more than a little bit in love with Mary Louise Parker, but that is her fault.

despite the best efforts of prominent scientists and field researchers, this is currently all that can be known about me.

the only way i can think to formulate a blog that makes any rational or logical sense is through specific and constant updates, and running totals. i may also attempt to incorporate videos or photos into the blog in some way, to provide context for particular incidents. these are not original ideas. they might, however, take awhile, as i am technologically retarded. i may have to eat the blogspot's brain, in order to gain its knowledge. i'll keep you posted (please see: pun, unintended).

some introductions. yes. this is far from a comprehensive list, but at least you can get to know some of the major characters. most of these are obviously code names. except for Sweet Tits. behold, some brief descriptions of their personalities as well as some likes and dislikes.

Sweet Tits - woman of my dreams? probable. mother of my children? according to some important-looking documents i received from the paternity-testing center, extremely likely. cutest life-ruining neurotic ever? no question. she works at a hospice that is staffed partially with the bitterest, most passive-aggressive fascists i've ever met, and partially with some of the nicest people on the planet. she likes the smell of my neck, wearing my clothing, over-reacting, and throwing clean laundry on the floor for no good reason. she makes superior tuna salad.

Mike - my stunt double and co-worker at the bar. i say stunt double because we are both heavy, furry, and bearded. he wears more hats and better, more expensive clothes. he is probably the second smartest person i've ever known on a first name basis, and that's not meant to be a joke. well, maybe third, because his pops is mad smart, too. Mike likes cake, saying the word "puma", and jokes revolving around puns. none of those things are meant to be a joke. he is also exceptionally compulsive and loves many boston-area sports figures.

She That Shall Not be Nicknamed - for the purposes of this blog, i was going to call her "Big Fat Goalie", but there were obvious issues with such a name on her end. namely the fact that she was never a goalie in any competitive sport. technically a lady friend of mine first, but best friend and co-conspirator of Sweet Tits for some years. she is also unfortunately in "love" with Mike, but hopefully that will all come to an end soon.

Dungeon Master - dude that bartends with me three nights a week. usually in pajama pants and some sort of shirt with a dragon on it. he happens to be gay, which only becomes a problem in those instances when i turn around and find him grinding his pelvis at me. i don't care for that. he's into a lot of role-playing games. not the sexy kind. i mean the kind with dragons and jesuses and elves and whatever.

The Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World - at the time of this writing, she is currently disappointed about not being let back into the nursing program at the local college. but it's okay because i will eventually trick her into running a bar with me, and she will forget about all this nursing foolishness. she tends to swear so much, it's like she is on fire. she also bartends at a mexican joint down the road and generally pretends to not give a shit. she has an exceptionally nice mother that dominates at playing dominos and probably puts your mother to shame.

The Brown One - best friend, co-worker, drinking partner, and complete opposite to The Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World. she is a terrible speller, but an expert on pigs in blankets. (yes, the weiners wrapped in biscuits). she is never funnier than when she swears or is generally pretending to be some kind of hard-ass. at any given time, she has roughly nine coworkers that are in love with her. one of them apparently went so far as to bite her on the neck. her family lives in california and, to be honest, i don't have any idea how good at dominos her mother might be.

the only thing these people have in common is that they all shoot whiskey. and love me, presumably.

Currently on the white board behind the bar: Gabrielle is the shit.

if you kids have any questions or anything, you can email them to hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com.

i'm on it.

dave