consolers of the lonely

to quote a famous evil baby, "victory is mine!"

if you enter the words hot, water, cornbread, and blog into the google search engine, the "apollo 18" entry of this humble weblog appears at a startling #38 on the list of over 56,000. while this may not seem initially impressive to the untrained eye, consider the fact that most of the results ahead of it are webpages with recipes, discussions, hints and tips, or other information about literal hot water cornbread.

by deduction, then, you are currently reading the world's foremost satirical blog with the words hot, water, and cornbread prominently involved, and i could probably be considered a leader in the field of blogs named after soul food. i'm pretty sure that i couldn't have done it without at least two of you. not any two in particular. it's just that i don't think most of the other hot water cornbread-related sites get a lot of traffic, really, so two people viewing this one once or twice a week is probably enough to jump this blog way up that list.

that said, i really don't have any concrete ideas about what else is left for me to accomplish. at #38 on google's search list, i've clearly reached the pinnacle of my chosen endeavor in just six short weeks.

rest assured, however, i'm not leaving the game with the championship ring on my finger. i'd rather fade away than burn out. i'm so committed to that principle, in fact, that i rarely use black tar heroin anymore.

let's get to some updates.


Uno Update:

Uno was intentionally, yet inappropriately referred to as "Library Chris" in my xmas haiku blog. the reasoning behind this was logical at the time, yet too tedious and mundane for even this blog, so i won't bore you with them.

some background - Uno is recently divorced from a girl who suddenly decided/realized/admitted to herself that she is a lesbian. much to my chagrin, i discovered that he is currently seeing (somewhat) a bisexual "lady". is lady the right word? i don't really know how that works. (editor's note: the author is confusing the term "bisexual" with the term "transsexual" here. "lady" is indeed appropriate.) regardless, i think it's tremendous that he is slowly easing himself into dating a heterosexual female.

i don't think he really likes her that much, but seeing as his only current mode of transportation is a motorized scooter (that, i swear to god, is called a "Ruckus") it probably works out pretty well for him on rainy days that she lives in the same apartment complex and owns a closed-top vehicle. i'm only saying that because a couple of months ago, he made a cardboard sign that says, "will give oral for a dry ride". that's gross on a lot of levels.

on sunday, Sweet Tits, the Brown One, the Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World, and myself all piled into the Official SUV of Hot Water Cornbread and drove the hour and change to hang out with Uno and our mutual friend Cables. we met at a restaraunt called Trejo's, an overrated mexican joint whose only saving grace is the fact that there are video poker machines there, which helped me get rid of this $20 bill that had been giving me all kinds of trouble. oh, and the server/bartender lady was very nice, even though she was clearly infatuated with me and kept undressing me with her eyes. uncomfortable. plus, that role in my life is currently filled by the Starbuck Cougar. i'll let you know when i start taking applications again, Trejo's Kitten.


Casino Gambling Update:

from the mexican place, we hit one of the casinos in town. understand that Uno has given me volumes of shit in the past (and present) about my playing video poker. "the crack cocaine of gambling" he calls it. but i say that's just one man's opinion. well, his and several prominent gambling addiction experts. but that's a topic for another day.

what is important here, is that upon entering the gaming floor, this sonofabitch made an absolute fuckin beeline to the "Wheel of Fortune" slot machines, sat his happy ass down, and started pumping in twenties! to make a short story shorter, after lecturing me about the video poker (an undeniable game of skill) he got about six minutes of fun for his money (in a game with undeniably thin odds in his favor) and he didn't get to spin the wheel even once. suck it, Uno.

apart from that, nobody besides me and the Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World cared too much about gambling, so after milling about for awhile, they all went to go drink at the casino bar while we played a couple of table games. blackjack for a little bit (no good) before we went over to a three-card poker table (reeeeally no good). she had never played before, and it's and easy enough game to learn, especially since it's completely about luck, and you really don't have many decisions to make. as it turned out, i really didn't have many decisions to make, seeing as how the best hand i had the whole time was a pair of tens. ridiculously poor luck this trip for everyone that gambled. although, the Sweetest Angry Cunt did seem to be very happy about the provision of several free whiskey drinks during the money-losing process.


Alcohol Drinking Update:

after losing our marijuana money at the tables, we joined the rest of the team briefly at the casino bar, before we headed back downtown to an underrated bar called Stray Cats. the place is always exceptionally clean, it's got perfect lighting, and a really cool pounded copper bartop. they have a decent whiskey and imported beer selection, especially for a place that isn't necessarily what would be considered an "upscale" bar. a couple of fun scotches like Glenfiddich and Balvenie, and some beers like Chimay and Duval that a lot of places don't carry. of course, i refuse to overpay for all that shit, so i just stuck with my Guinness, while Cables and Uno drank their various white trash beers, and the girls all killed Jim Beam whiskey drinks at an unreasonable pace.

i think we pumped about $50 into the damn jukebox while we were there, which unfortunately did not have the selection that we would have liked, but they obviously had enough acceptable choices to keep us sliding our dollars in. we rocked a bunch of old bluesy shit for awhile, Rolling stones and Leadbelly and The Band and whatever, before we really mixed it up with some Michael Jackson, Wu-Tang, and Modest Mouse. we stayed and drank and talked for a couple of hours before we decided to head back home, kissed everyone goodbye, and split. good damn times.

currently on the white board behind the bar: Mary Steenburgen ain't the boss of me.


i had really hoped to get to monday night in this post, too, but it's probably too long already. thanks to all of you that almost sent emails. since i requested them a week or so ago, i have received a total of zero, so i know that there must have been many of you that were brought to the brink of submitting a question or comment to hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com, which i greatly appreciate. keep them almost coming, like a bad sexual partner. (ask a friend to explain what that means to you later, Brown One.)


i'm on it.

dave