our endless numbered days

so, i may have a revolutionary new blog idea.

by revolutionary, i mean piggy-backing someone else's good idea, changing it just a little bit, and calling it my own.

at this point, all four of my readers should have had time to have visited the "Fuck You, Penguin" blog i mentioned recently. if you have not done so, it indicates that you are either unwilling or unable to click the link to this blog that i have made available for you in the top right corner of this page. for the stupid, lazy, and/or armless (hi, mom!) members of the audience, the premise of the blog is the author telling "cute animals what's what".

for example, let's say they have a photo of some cuddly-looking blob of koala in a tree, eating some eucalyptus, or a tin can, or a bratwurst or whatever they eat. he's sitting there, looking innocent and adorable, and the blog-writer will post a brief paragraph that berates him, usually with violent threats and swearing. usually something like, "you think we don't see you in that tree, koala? we do. because you are a big, heinously obese ass-hat that should be FACE-RAPED LIKE A DEAF-MUTE BOSNIAN REFUGEE! you make me sick, koala, because i know you think you're so damn awesome just because i want to snuggle up with you. you think you're hot snot on a silver platter. but you're really just cold boogers on a paper plate. that's what we in america call a "sick burn", koala! live with it!"

and so on. this was for illustrative purposes only. obviously, the FYP blogger would come up with something funny and pointed, that would make his/her readers laugh... AND think.

but just ponder this - what if there were a similar blog dedicated to the sinister antics of a single child? isn't it safe to assume that if you like "Fuck You, Penguin", you will LOVE "Fuck You, Tiny Baby"?

just consider the possibilities. countless pictures of my adorable youngest child, each with a brief yet obscene paragraph that offers insults and threatens physical violence. it would give child protective services all the evidence they would ever need to take him from the home.

let me know what you think.


in other news, i have reconsidered my decision not to do a 2008 in review posting. screw my friend Yak, with his superior and stylish blog that features things i don't know anything about or could even begin to comprehend. who needs it? my readers love my bland and inferior style, and they probably don't even care about what's really cool or new. so suck it, Yak.

for the record, the following "awards" are in no particular order, nor do they follow any particular logic. they are just kind of as they come to me. also, if it happens to be a book or movie or album, it doesn't necessarily mean it was released in 2008. just that i read/saw/heard it in 2008, which is really all that's important here. just so we're clear. also, i don't have a cool name for the awards, like the "Cornbreadies" or anything. sorry. so, without further delay:


Best Rock-n-Roll Musical Concert Show (3-way tie):

Wilco and Dr. Dog @ the Robinson Theatre, Little Rock - mike and i went to this show way back in february (i think), before he and She That Shall Not Be Nicknamed got together and ruined what was left of my life. Dr. Dog is one of my current 10 favorite listens, and neither of us had any idea they would be opening that night. extremely solid band, and tighter than i would have guessed for a bunch of g-d longhair, barefoot, crunchy vermont hippies. highlight of the show for me, however, was Wilco playing "via chicago", where they do this thing during the chorus that is like a dick-punch of sound. tremendous.

The Sideshow Tragedy @ Whitewater Tavern, Little Rock - another outing for mike and i, just before he went hetero. my first time to go to a show at Whitewater, which may be the best bar in the south. at least the most oddly-situated. if you haven't seen the Sideshow Tragedy, and you live in the south or midwest, i can guarantee you two things: 1 - they will be playing somewhere near you within the next four months, and 2 - you will not be sorry you paid to see them. they are just one of those bands, that, if you don't like what they do, you probably just don't like music. anyway, i got exTREMEly drunk on jim beam and guinness and was into the show emotionally in a way that i hadn't been at a concert in a really long time. i threw my hat at the bass player during one song, while telling him what a "sick motherfucker" he was at the top of my lungs. an excellent night. oh! i almost forgot it was the same night that we stopped at another bar in LR called Midtown, where i proceeded to take a ginormous shit that stopped up the toilet in the women's room! sorry, ladies!

The Teeth @ the Jackrabbit Lounge, Shreveport - they were really close even before this, but they absolutely became my favorite band (at the time) after i saw them live. got to talk and do some shots with them pre- and post-show. just really great, genuine dudes that gave just about everything they had onstage. lots of energy, really fun, and the crowd knew all the songs, which made it spectacular, since it was a smaller venue. i don't know what else to say here, except that now they are broken up and two of them, peter and brian, are in a new project called The Purples. also, i hope they all get their clitorises bitten off for not putting out at least one more album.


Best Moment Involving One of the Children I Own:

The Middle One singing onstage with John Elliott, Memphis - Sweet Tits took The Middle One to see some friends of ours (John Elliott and Raina Rose) perform at some kind of unwashed hippie dope-smoke-a-thon in Memphis. John was playing his first song ("give me what i want") when he noticed The Middle One singing along in the front row, word-for-word. he stopped playing, told the Middle One to come up on stage, and they started the song over, singing together, and John letting him carry some of the chorus all by himself. of course, when they were finished, everyone applauded for him, which he loved. Sweet Tits got some really nice video of the whole thing. i guess you would have to know a little bit about The Middle One to have an idea why this meant as much to me as it did. but screw you.


Best Excuse to Acquire Salmonella:

speaking of that trip to Memphis, Sweet Tits brought me back a piece of fried chicken from this place called Gus's that's somewhere around downtown. holy moses. by the time i got it, the chicken was like 6 hours old and room temperature. and still might have been the best piece of fried chicken i've ever eaten. it was like deep-fried sex, seasoned with black tar heroin. yum.


Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for Me Personally:

this would clearly be the day that i found out that the proprietor of a particular locally-owned food establishment was either - a. dead as hell or b. incapacitated or in some kind of coma or something. "dammit," i said. " i guess we'll have to order some of that fucking papa john's bullshit." they had REALLY great handmade pizza there, you see, and i was perplexed as to why no one was answering the phone to take my order for a large sausage, mushroom, and basil. (for the record, he is/was a really great dude, and Sweet Tits and i had talked with him on a number of occasions. it was just in that particular instance, his well-being was completely overshadowed by my immense and pressing need for delicious pizza.)


Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for The Girl:

i would think that at some point, for every invested parent, there comes a time when you look at your child and see the indelible mark that you have left on them, be it good or bad. my moment with The Girl came after this completely ludicrous wind and hail storm last spring. we were leaving the car wash and we passed a lexus with a back windshield that had been completely cratered in. "dad! look at that!" she said. "i know, baby," i replied. "it probably got caved in from the big hailstorm last night." "BOOM! SICK BURN!" she yells. prouder moments have been few and far between. i just wish that we had had the windows rolled up, so that Jimmy Lexus-Owner would not have shot my favorite child that well-deserved go-to-hell look.


Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for The Tiny Baby:

that stupid bastard head-butted me right in the damn nose the other day. technically not in 2008, i know, but shit...


Favorite New Beverage (non-alcoholic):

those tasty little Starbucks Doubleshot cans! fast, totally delish, and they let me make lewd jokes to the Starbucks Cougar on occasion and pass it off as harmless banter. bwa-ha-ha, Starbucks Cougar. you are becoming ensnared in my web of charm.


Favorite New Beverage (alcoholic):

Baker's Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. mmmmmm. 7 years old. 107 proof. one of the Jim Beam small batch collection. a glass of Baker's is like a long, warm, painless coma that you don't want to wake up from. no ice, just the smallest splash of water to open it up some.


Best TV Show:

The Wire. not just the best for this year, but probably the best for any year. funny, tragic, sickeningly real, honest, intelligent, complex, well-written, and a minimum of bullshit. if you have never seen The Wire, i want you to quit your job, go buy seasons 1-5, and then sit down and watch the entire series beginning to end. you are allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and answer the door when the pizza dude gets there, and you had better pause the program when you do those things. there's just too much to keep up with to miss a minute or two while you are making a dookie. (dukey? dooky? how do you spell that?)


Most Disappointing Movie:

Burn After Reading by the Coen brothers. the only reason i didn't get up and leave in the middle is because it's the Coen brothers, and i kept expecting it to get good. the trailers looked good, and there were a couple of funny moments, but for the most part it just seemed like they were trying to remake Fargo or something. considering all their other fine films, though, i'm sure i'll get over it. i liked No Country For Old Men enough that they never have to make another good movie again.


Most Surprisingly Good Movie:

Batman Returns or Begins or whatever. the one with Heath Ledger they kept talking about all the time. i can't really say much that hasn't already been said about it, i'm sure. it was just really surprising that a movie that everyone said was so good was actually really fucking good. because everyone said those goddam spiderman movies were so awesome, but they mostly sucked cat labia.

Currently on the white board behind the bar - it's in the mog house, noob!


well, hell, i can't really think of anything else, but i'm sure there's quite a lot. my long-term memory is atrocious. if you are at all curious regarding my best or worst or whatever superlative for any given thing or circumstance, you should be able to reach me via electronic letter-writer-sender, which is hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com, and i will do my best to get to both emails. but time is in short supply, and there's always the chance that one of them will suck. so, you know.

i'm on it.

dave