the weight is a gift

hey, kids. pour yourself some hot cocoa or a mug of room-temperature bourbon and gather round the old fireplace. it’s time, once again, for Hot Water Cornbread’s Annual Xmas Scattershot Haiku Update Special!

for those of you unfamiliar with the original xmas story (please see: Bible, The Holy), it all started a couple of hundred years ago, in the olden-timey days. those were better, simpler days, when presidents still had funny names, like grover, millard, and andrew. men were men, but women could still pee standing up. and, hell, a high-class prostitute would only run you about a quarter. it was kind of like Deadwood, but with less swearing.

the language was far more flowerifical and ornatilating, too. people were dying of cholera in the streets, coughing up blood while lying face-down in their own sewage. but they still took the time to say things really nice and fancy-like. that’s a lesson you kids could learn today. too many of you take the easy way out with your omg’s and your lol’s and your wtf’s.

every winter, families would send out a letter to everyone they knew. this letter would be full of haikus that passed on the latest information about all their friends and family. these haikus were often personally embarrassing to their subjects, but hey, it’s better than dying from consumption or sexual torture by indians, right?

in that tradition, we here at Hot Water Cornbread take a special pride in carrying on that legacy every xmas. join us now, as we go through the address book on our phones, just like those early pioneers and captains of industry, and provide seventeen-syllable updates on a wide variety of friends, family, and loved ones. these are not in any kind of order. nicknames and aliases will be used to make it so you can’t sue me. so suck it.

let’s get to some updates.

Britney Spears
blonde slut rides again! (no pun intended). I ain't calling it "comeback".

Big Dumb Chris
you irish fuck. add “DUI” to resume. NEVER fucking blow.

Sullen Tangerine
massage therapist. hates hand job jokes. no happy ending for her here.

Bettie Page
dead. great. gives all those mopey bitches just one more thing to whine about.

Owen Wilson
chin up, kid. Phoebe will give you the love you need. if not, try Chandler.

Library Chris
only lesbian that doesn’t like him is the one he’s divorcing.

Mike
run, dude! mexican border still open. I won’t tell babymama.

Paul Newman
we'll miss you, cool hand luke. (does this mean no more tasty salad dressing?)

She That Shall Not Be Nicknamed
text Sweet Tits. call her. wine/dine her. she’ll show you the “li’l man in the boat”.

Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World
no more DUI class! Does this mean she’s not an alcoholic now?

Tom Cruise
Did you think that arm wrestling Matt Lauer would make you seem more sane?

The Brown One
“Rancho Cucamonga”? honestly, Mexican. come from a real town.

Dungeon Master
i swear to god – he’s got tickets to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

NKOTB
why tour again, dudes? needed reason to start sucking each other off?

The Girl
damn, you suck at Tetris! just one more way ol’ dad is better than you!

The Middle One
i already regret getting you that goddam Wall-E for xmas.

The Tiny Baby
xmas present for me? how ‘bout you stop banging your head on the floor?

Charlton Heston
since his hands are now literally cold and dead, can i get that gun?

Official Brother of Hot Water Cornbread #1
honestly, dude. you’re 29. think you could stop getting bigger, ass?

Official Brother of Hot Water Cornbread #2
don’t discuss music with me. Coldplay? are you fucking serious, ass?

Tony Alamo
finally jailed that bastard. "Dad/Preacher touched my no-no again, mom!"

Official Grandparents of Hot Water Cornbread
how are you feeling? not well? how’s that will looking? no, seriously…

David Duchovny
sex addict, huh? divorce? and your show is overrated. (no x-files)

Currently on the white board behind the bar: The Nuge Abides.

honestly, if you already know of the existence of this blog, there is an excellent chance that I love you dearly (vegas has the odds on this at 1:2) and you have either been a friend for a very long time past, or you will be a friend for a very long time in the future. or you’re family. we at HWC headquarters wish everyone a great and merry xmas, no matter what you are doing. god (or whoever) bless you. don’t forget that hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com is the best (and really only) place to send me any disparaging comments or remarks. later.

i’m on it.

dave