real gone

so, some early reviews are in, and they are far more tepid than i could have ever dreamed! lukewarm enthusiasm has been pouring in from all corners of the globe, and i am pleased to share some of the more non-commital remarks that i have received via text message, email, phone calls, and spray paint (please see: vandalism, misdemeanor).

"it doesn't suck." - monica, 27

"it has potential that you will inevitably piss away." - terry, 27

"what the fuck was that neurotic part supposed to mean?" - Sweet Tits, 29

"it's not really your best work." - chris, 30

thank you, readers. it is support like this that has caused the vegas line for the over/under on this particular blog to drop to 13 days. place your bets before they take it off the books!

lets get to some updates.

The Children I Own:

today at their school, The Girl and The Middle One had their respective classroom xmas parties. i cannot begin to describe the sense of loathing that comes over me at the thought of any school-related activity. a bunch of mouth-breathing kids meandering around their classrooms with their under-educated parents (most of whom seem very likely to be unemployed - vegas has the line for this at 6.5:1), "enjoying" what is probably their greatest achievement of the year. namely, eating 14 cupcakes and getting out of school 10 minutes early. what really makes me sick is having to pretend i'm excited to be there and feign interest in their bullshit holiday projects. i end up saying things like, "wow! that IS a really cool gingerbread house!" instead of, "really? you expect me to believe that? it's a goddam milk carton with graham crackers glued to it".

The Tiny Baby spent the better part of the day either re-enacting Daniel Day Lewis' character from the movie My Left Foot (please see: Brown, Christy), or he has been detoxing from heroin (please see tar, mexican black). i have a tip for you, Tiny Baby. throwing yourself on the floor and writhing around like a rookie porn actor is not a good way to get one of those apple cereal bars that you seem to enjoy so much. next time, let's try just asking. maybe leave me a note or shoot me an email. spell it out with those alphabet blocks. there are dozens of better ways. because, quite frankly, what you are doing now is really only going to get you thirty minutes in your bed, screaming, while i jack around on the computer, fooling myself into believing that you are taking a nap.


Cool New Stuff Update:

"When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris - if you have never read anything David Sedaris has written, there is an excellent chance that your entire life up to this point has been a total waste (vegas has the odds on this at 1.5:1). Sedaris is at once funny, sad, tragic, imaginative, and autobiographical. he writes stories and essays that fool you into thinking that you can write just like him. but you can't. while i own several of his other volumes, i unfortunately do not own this book myself. i did purchase it as an xmas gift for the Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World, who will love the cynical tone, biting sarcasm, and laugh-to-keep-from-crying stories about his family.

"A Practical Guide to Racism" by C.H. Dalton - my xmas present to mike this year. presented as a textbook or lecture from the 40s or 50s, tons of racially charged jokes and innuendos. this book receives a lot of support from several of the principals of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and it involves a lot of the same kind of humor. probably not a good gift for an actual racist. i'm just saying.

"The Seldom Seen Kid" by Elbow - my thanksgiving present to myself. this band is kind of equal parts radiohead, muse, and vampire weekend. some really experimental songwriting without losing emotionality. extremely well-produced album. i particularly enjoyed the drum parts and the prominent use of several instruments that are seldom-used. the first song on the album may be my favorite new song of 2008.

Currently on the white board behind the bar: Plausible Deniability

that's all i have for now. we are literally about to walk out the door to go to Sweet Tits' office party. as with last time, feel free to email me something at hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com.

i'm on it.

dave