apollo 18

so this post is named after that album by They Might Be Giants.

they're a cool damn band that's been around for 20-something years, and i don't think they've ever really slacked on the quality of their albums. there are some that i prefer to others, obviously. but i think one of the hardest things to accomplish (you know, if i were some kind of artist or creative type) is to maintain your own voice without becoming a ripoff of yourself. they write songs in reeeally diverse styles but are never so weird that you can't listen to them. their song topics range from belgian painters to divorce to the science of solar themodynamics to snack food. and i think that's all on one album.

they just seem like a couple of really smart guys that never let themselves get bored with their songwriting or ever started giving a shit about what is necessarily popular. they just worry about being good.

basically what i'm saying is this: if the only songs you know by these boys is "Istanbul (not Constantinople)" and "Particle Man", because they were featured on Tiny Toons back in the day, you really need to get your shit together. if you can't find about 20 of their songs that you really like, that's probably an indication that you don't have a soul. or you are mexican.

if i can make this damn blogspot machine work, i'll include a video. now don't get me wrong, their videos are as old and dated as anything C&C Music Factory ever produced, so don't judge them by that. but it will be a nice visit to the early nineties for those of you who were like 7 or something back then, and probably don't remember it as clearly as you should. (trust me, there are those that walk among us that were only 7 in the early nineties. and they look just like you and me.)

i bought a couple of their albums for The Girl recently. (she's nine and i'm trying to get her some of the basics in at an early age, so she doesn't grow up to be a total ass-hat. you know, TMBG, Dave Matthews, Bjork, etc.) it occurred to me that i've been listening to them since farking middle school, which works out to like 18 years, if you're keeping score at home.

my best friend in seventh grade, Greg, introduced me to TMBG. Greg was an asthmatic band geek who was mostly terrible at sports and put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people that i mostly lost touch with after we moved my senior year. best fact about Greg? he briefly dated the daughter of Dan Piraro, the dude that draws the "Bizarro" comic strip in the Dallas Morning News. one of my great regrets is that i didn't realize what a cool motherfucker he was until we were both in college. i owe a lot of my musical tastes to him being a damn visionary when he was 12. he was like my Rain Man of indie music, except he didn't get to drive the car slow on the driveway on saturdays. (definitely on saturdays. never on a tuesday. he's definitely an excellent driver.)

he had picked up TMBG from his cousin shane. shane was a Stephen Malkmus lookalike, and probably the first person that i was ever aware smoked pot. apart from that, he was a big Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers fan, which was fine with me. but he also LOVED the Oklahoma Sooners. so there's a small part of me that would be ok if i somehow found out he was homeless.

ok! here's the video. i think.



let's get to some updates.


Union Baby Update:

Union Baby made it home from the hospital in one piece. unfortunately, she has not made it over to my house yet, so she is still waiting for her first sip of bourbon. and judging from the pictures i've seen of her, she is not at all happy about that fact. either that or she's trying to pass a kidney stone the size of a nickel.

when the time comes, though, i'll be ready. i think i'm going to go with Basil Hayden's which is a really nice, mellow, 80-proof whiskey that won't overload her baby palate like Bulleit or Baker's would, but it offers enough complexity to make it worth her time. or i may just give her a shot of Beam.

what i'm really excited about is getting her to call me Creepy Uncle Dave. the way i see it, that's the type of nickname that is better if it is self-applied.


The Middle One and Tiny Baby Update:

i swear to god, it's like i'm living with fucking raccoons.

but not normal raccoons that you can find at the river, being rascally or digging up clams or playing around with a shiny trinket.

i mean some very business-like and efficient raccoons with a detailed checklist that includes things like:

let the dog out of the house.
climb on top of the fridge to get the bag of double-stuf oreos that are hidden in the cabinet, and then consume them all. empty a bottle of nail polish onto the couch and spread it around with your stupid tiny babyhands.
leave little pieces of off-brand corn chips on every available horizontal surface.
smear yourself with Vicks Vapo-Rub.
taunt your parents with repeated diapers full of loose stools.

i'm sure that i am leaving something out here, but you get the idea. if you know a good gypsy that pays cash and is looking for a couple of healthy, white, blue-eyed male children to put on the black market, please contact Sweet Tits at her brand new email address - jesusrooseveltchristwhenwilltheyturn18@gmail.com


Cool New Stuff Update:

double sweetness at the mall. both the bookstore and the music store are closing up shop within the next week, so they both have almost everything at 50% off or better. the employees did not seem to be as happy about all the savings as i was for some reason. maybe they were all overdue for their cigarette breaks. or maybe they were sad because Barack Obama hasn't found them a new job yet, like he SAID he would, back when he needed our votes. (too soon?)

i don't really have time to go into detail on the superiority of any of these. a couple of them you will probably be familiar enough with already. the rest you can research on your own time. i can't spoon feed you all the time.

I Am America (and So Can You) - by Stephen Colbert
The Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely
Mogwai - Government Commissions
Led Zeppelin - Presence (which was recorded in 18 days back in the mid-70's, and has one of my favorite LZ songs, "Nobody's Fault but Mine")
More Information Than You Require - by John Hodgman (Daily Show/Colbert Report contributor)
The Fiery Furnaces - Rehearsing My Choir


Currently on the white board behind the bar: i am NOT going to Waco.

i'll try to do better next time. Mike and i are going to Little Rock briefly tomorrow for lunch with a friend/business partner of his, so maybe something cool will happen with that. or i might have some really cool sex or something. also, i only need five good emails to have enough to do a mailbag. i don't mean five MORE, just five. well, i guess technically i DO need five more.
hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com. i'm just saying.

i'm on it.

dave

red-headed stranger

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real gone

so, some early reviews are in, and they are far more tepid than i could have ever dreamed! lukewarm enthusiasm has been pouring in from all corners of the globe, and i am pleased to share some of the more non-commital remarks that i have received via text message, email, phone calls, and spray paint (please see: vandalism, misdemeanor).

"it doesn't suck." - monica, 27

"it has potential that you will inevitably piss away." - terry, 27

"what the fuck was that neurotic part supposed to mean?" - Sweet Tits, 29

"it's not really your best work." - chris, 30

thank you, readers. it is support like this that has caused the vegas line for the over/under on this particular blog to drop to 13 days. place your bets before they take it off the books!

lets get to some updates.

The Children I Own:

today at their school, The Girl and The Middle One had their respective classroom xmas parties. i cannot begin to describe the sense of loathing that comes over me at the thought of any school-related activity. a bunch of mouth-breathing kids meandering around their classrooms with their under-educated parents (most of whom seem very likely to be unemployed - vegas has the line for this at 6.5:1), "enjoying" what is probably their greatest achievement of the year. namely, eating 14 cupcakes and getting out of school 10 minutes early. what really makes me sick is having to pretend i'm excited to be there and feign interest in their bullshit holiday projects. i end up saying things like, "wow! that IS a really cool gingerbread house!" instead of, "really? you expect me to believe that? it's a goddam milk carton with graham crackers glued to it".

The Tiny Baby spent the better part of the day either re-enacting Daniel Day Lewis' character from the movie My Left Foot (please see: Brown, Christy), or he has been detoxing from heroin (please see tar, mexican black). i have a tip for you, Tiny Baby. throwing yourself on the floor and writhing around like a rookie porn actor is not a good way to get one of those apple cereal bars that you seem to enjoy so much. next time, let's try just asking. maybe leave me a note or shoot me an email. spell it out with those alphabet blocks. there are dozens of better ways. because, quite frankly, what you are doing now is really only going to get you thirty minutes in your bed, screaming, while i jack around on the computer, fooling myself into believing that you are taking a nap.


Cool New Stuff Update:

"When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris - if you have never read anything David Sedaris has written, there is an excellent chance that your entire life up to this point has been a total waste (vegas has the odds on this at 1.5:1). Sedaris is at once funny, sad, tragic, imaginative, and autobiographical. he writes stories and essays that fool you into thinking that you can write just like him. but you can't. while i own several of his other volumes, i unfortunately do not own this book myself. i did purchase it as an xmas gift for the Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World, who will love the cynical tone, biting sarcasm, and laugh-to-keep-from-crying stories about his family.

"A Practical Guide to Racism" by C.H. Dalton - my xmas present to mike this year. presented as a textbook or lecture from the 40s or 50s, tons of racially charged jokes and innuendos. this book receives a lot of support from several of the principals of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and it involves a lot of the same kind of humor. probably not a good gift for an actual racist. i'm just saying.

"The Seldom Seen Kid" by Elbow - my thanksgiving present to myself. this band is kind of equal parts radiohead, muse, and vampire weekend. some really experimental songwriting without losing emotionality. extremely well-produced album. i particularly enjoyed the drum parts and the prominent use of several instruments that are seldom-used. the first song on the album may be my favorite new song of 2008.

Currently on the white board behind the bar: Plausible Deniability

that's all i have for now. we are literally about to walk out the door to go to Sweet Tits' office party. as with last time, feel free to email me something at hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com.

i'm on it.

dave