come on, feel the illinois!

you always hear how people don't change.

like "a leopard can't change its spots" or "a bulgarian whore can't hide her penis," my grandfather would always tell me. true enough. it IS difficult to maintain the tuck at times. believe me, i've tried. i even watched the Chris Terrell instructional video this weekend for some friendly tips (no homo). it was shot at a recent punk-rock festival after party, while the band was in Gainesville, Florida last year.

during the course of this video, Chris Terrell proceeds to strip down completely naked with two TOTAL strangers in their motel room, all three tucking the old bratwurst and taters and enacting the creepy Buffalo Bill scene from Silence of the Lambs as well as several familiar Charles Atlas poses. unnerving.

someone should literally flip a coin to decide which was more grotesque - this scene or the one in which the boys are dipping (freshly unwrapped) tampons into a mixture of vodka and kool-aid powder, before lifting them out and up by the string and slurping out the, um, not-so-kool-aid. when the video comes out on youtube, please pay special attention to catch the phrases "vagina rat", "bloody pussy shot", and Gary laughing like an iced-out maniac in the background. there are also several instances where Andy is referred to as a "Vermonter", which he is inexplicably and irrationally angry about months later.

let's get to some updates.


Mike Update:

Mike's baby with the ex-girlfriend finally got here two days ago. (21 inches, 7 lbs and 11 oz, for those of you keeping score at home). for the record, that's not meant to sound like she had been on a whirlwind world tour or anything. i just mean that she was born. for the purposes of this blog, she will be referred to as Union Baby. i may never explain why.

having a child is an odd choice for someone that generally dislikes people, (and those that wet their pants in particular) but he was exhaustedly elated by the time she finally popped out. i dare say he was far LESS surly than usual. a tremendous accomplishment taking into account how much he enjoys both sleep and food, and most of the day had been sleepless and foodless.

there was an opportunity for an extremely uncomfortable situation in the waiting room. it was just him for most of the day (against 15-20 of the mother's friends and family) until i got there around 6 pm. unfortunately for me, there were no jerry springer moments. there was only one guy that was a little bit snarky towards him in the hallway right after the baby was born, but he didn't do enough to earn a dick punch or anything.

regardless of any disagreements, everyone is on Team Union Baby now. Mike and the mother are both good people, and good people work things out for what is best and most important. as long as i don't get stuck changing shitty diapers or have to watch Mike breastfeed, i'm on board with all of it.

what i am not on board with: the fact i think i heard Sweet Tits' uterus swell as she was looking at pictures of the newborn. i will clearly be witholding physical affection for the next 18 months. have i ever mentioned that we already have three kids? we have three goddam kids.


Football Gambling Update:

good god. i don't think i can talk about this yet.


Brown One/Sweetest Angry Cunt Update:

the Brown One had a birthday party the same night Union Baby went Jim Morrison on that womb. i was unfortunately unable to attend. not unfortunate in the sense that i really love birthday parties. unfortunate in the sense that the Sweetest Angry Cunt in the World had several world-class drunken moments.

my personal favorite? beligerently telling the Brown One that she definitively does NOT have the keys to the Brown One's car. "i JUST handed them to somebody! a person! a HUMAN BEING! i DON'T have them! JESUS!"

to be fair, she was equally apologetic upon realizing that the keys were, in fact, in her hand the entire time. you have to love it.


Currently on the white board behind the bar: Where's my owl cake?

i know it has been a week between posts (suck it, Smokey, i'm a busy sonuvabitch). i trust you all have used the time wisely and to your full advantage. if you feel you should thank me for not burning any of your precious time or to register a complaint about the quality of a post, you can reach me at hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com. or for pretty much anything else, really. just keep it close to reasonable.

i'm on it.

dave