monsters of folk

it was either socrates or dane cook (editor's note: or dane cook stealing socrates's material) who said, "the unexamined life is not worth living", which i guess is true. i don't know. i haven't really thought about it. but it sounds fucking awesome.

a life that is most certainly not worth living is one that has not spent more than a few sleepless nights mentally wrestling over the inherent contradictions in the plotline of the movie Gremlins directed by a "Joe Dante" and written by Chris Columbus. for clarity's sake, this is not the Chris Columbus that raped all those indians back in the day. this Chris Columbus wrote ground-breaking movies in the eighties. his writing credits include The Goonies, The Goonies II, Gremlins, Gremlins II: The New Batch, Gremlins: Unleashed!, and Gremlins: Stripe vs. Gizmo. i swear i am not making those movies up. sadly, Gremlins: The Musical on Ice! never made it past the initial planning stages.

Specifically, my concern is the logic pretzel regarding the relationship between the rules for taking care of a mogwai (given to Billy by a young Jet Li in his first movie role) and the natural instincts of the mogwai. let's take a close look at each in detail. i will be addressing Chris Columbus directly as we go through the list, as i'm sure he is stumped for movie ideas and is probably surfing the web daily for new plot ideas, and will eventually stumble across this post. assuming he isn't already a regular reader.

1. keep him out of the sunlight - no problems here as far as i'm concerned. there are plenty of animals that prefer to stay out of the light. bats. moles. werewolves (editor's note: sigh). snakes, maybe. shit, probably even marmots and stuff would rather kick it indoors. so far, so good, Chris Columbus.

2. never get him wet - oh, really, Chris Columbus? you think it's cool to introduce a carbon-based life form that can't come into contact with water? it's water, man! water! it's pretty much the stuff that makes up every other known form of life. but not a mogwai, eh, Chris Columbus? who exactly do you think you are? do you think you are some kind of screenwriting Galileo, thumbing his nose at modern science? because i've asked around, Chris Columbus. and you aren't.

even more ridiculous, if you do happen moisten the mogwai (which is a potentially fantastic euphemism for female masturbation), it causes nearly instantaneous epidermal reproduction of offspring that are either mildly retarded or sociopathic or both.

quick question, Chris Columbus: in Gremlins-land, how in the hell are you supposed to get a normal, even-tempered mogwai offspring? because i have spent hours watching Gizmo's crotch parts in slow-motion, hoping against hope that i would catch a glimpse of his johnson, if only to put to rest this part of the controversy. but Gizmo does not, repeat: not have a johnson.

ugh. let's just move on.

3. never feed him after midnight - news flash, Chris Columbus. it's always after midnight. when can we start feeding our mogwai again? especially the retarded sociopath mogwai. i don't know much, but i do know that you don't want to be around when those little buggers have gone too long without food. even assuming an arbitrary time (let's say 6 am) when it's okay to feed them again, whose clock does it go off of? the bank's? your cellphone? it's just a headache waiting to happen, trying to figure out what time it REALLY is while your illegal exotic pet with the atrophied frontal lobe is gnawing through your fingers, trying to get at a box of Triscuits.

additionally, did Gizmo comprehend why the kibble train stops at midnight? does he understand the implications of late-night snacking for his species? or is it a constant struggle for him NOT to eat after hours, like he's a recovering heroine junkie? is there always a struggle with the dark part of his psyche that wants to gobble down a family-size can of the spaghetti-o's with the wieners and watch Scott van Pelt announce NHL highlights on the 1 am sportscenter? man, so many questions...

let's get to some updates.


Gambling Update:

my friend Yak and i have recently hypothesized, researched, and experimented with an intricate system of betting on nightly professional men's basketball games, in a league commonly referred to as the NBA. this system involves a careful analysis of each game, followed by the prudent and reasonable selection of only the most fitting underdogs on which to place our bets, which maximizes our value for each dollar bet in the event of an upset win by those select underdogs. it is failing miserably.

the good news is that the WNBA season starts in a scant 7 1/2 months, and we are already working on a completely separate and unrelated betting system to accomodate the intricacies of the ladies' professional basketball league. if you are considering wagering any sum of money on the WNBA in the upcoming season, you will want to be aware that the Minnesota Lynx, while mired in the bottom half of the league in this past year, will most likely show a considerable improvement in 2010, as they have two of the league's top four draft picks in april. just something to keep in mind.

on an unrelated note, at what point does gambling become a "problem"?


Puppetmaster Update:

we at HWC headquarters are currently making what promises to be an ill-fated attempt to form a band. i myself have no intention nor desire to be a performing member in this ensemble. the future official HWC cover band will be made of three local musicians doing alt-country (for lack of a better term. think Wilco's album A.M.) covers of various underrated songs and artists from all genres. for the sake of those who are haven't already stopped reading this part, some of the following tracks will be in the mix:

Squidbillies theme song - Billy Joe Shaver
Nobody's Fault But Mine - Blind Willie Johnson
Bad Days - Flaming Lips
How Can I Love You if You Won't Lie Down? - Silver Jews
Another One Goes By - the Walkmen
B.O.B. - Outkast
Beautiful Day - Eels
Where Is My Mind? - Pixies

i think that nature of my contribution to the band's efforts will be largely managerial. motivation and direction fall completely within my wheelhouse. i'll probably also be the one to have to pay to have t-shirts made, and i think i'm the only one with a vehicle large enough to carry a drum set. so there's that.

all i'm saying is keep an eye out for Ghost Meat, the official HWC cover band. because it promises to be a rollicking good time at a party near you, if we can ever get it off the ground.

currently on the white board behind the bar: you are.

i know that it's been a couple of weeks since i've posted anything. the rust is probably showing as you read through the present sub-par entry. i thank all of you for showing the patience, common decency, and good taste to not send even a single email demanding, begging, or politely inquiring to know when i would be writing again. i assure you that your restraint has not gone unnoticed. it will not, however, be rewarded in any measurable fashion.

if you do care to prove yourself to lack the house training and geometry of a reasonable, tax-paying member of society, you can direct your queries to hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com or simply comment below.

i'm on it.

dave