it was either socrates or dane cook (editor's note: or dane cook stealing socrates's material) who said, "the unexamined life is not worth living", which i guess is true. i don't know. i haven't really thought about it. but it sounds fucking awesome.
a life that is most certainly not worth living is one that has not spent more than a few sleepless nights mentally wrestling over the inherent contradictions in the plotline of the movie Gremlins directed by a "Joe Dante" and written by Chris Columbus. for clarity's sake, this is not the Chris Columbus that raped all those indians back in the day. this Chris Columbus wrote ground-breaking movies in the eighties. his writing credits include The Goonies, The Goonies II, Gremlins, Gremlins II: The New Batch, Gremlins: Unleashed!, and Gremlins: Stripe vs. Gizmo. i swear i am not making those movies up. sadly, Gremlins: The Musical on Ice! never made it past the initial planning stages.
Specifically, my concern is the logic pretzel regarding the relationship between the rules for taking care of a mogwai (given to Billy by a young Jet Li in his first movie role) and the natural instincts of the mogwai. let's take a close look at each in detail. i will be addressing Chris Columbus directly as we go through the list, as i'm sure he is stumped for movie ideas and is probably surfing the web daily for new plot ideas, and will eventually stumble across this post. assuming he isn't already a regular reader.
1. keep him out of the sunlight - no problems here as far as i'm concerned. there are plenty of animals that prefer to stay out of the light. bats. moles. werewolves (editor's note: sigh). snakes, maybe. shit, probably even marmots and stuff would rather kick it indoors. so far, so good, Chris Columbus.
2. never get him wet - oh, really, Chris Columbus? you think it's cool to introduce a carbon-based life form that can't come into contact with water? it's water, man! water! it's pretty much the stuff that makes up every other known form of life. but not a mogwai, eh, Chris Columbus? who exactly do you think you are? do you think you are some kind of screenwriting Galileo, thumbing his nose at modern science? because i've asked around, Chris Columbus. and you aren't.
even more ridiculous, if you do happen moisten the mogwai (which is a potentially fantastic euphemism for female masturbation), it causes nearly instantaneous epidermal reproduction of offspring that are either mildly retarded or sociopathic or both.
quick question, Chris Columbus: in Gremlins-land, how in the hell are you supposed to get a normal, even-tempered mogwai offspring? because i have spent hours watching Gizmo's crotch parts in slow-motion, hoping against hope that i would catch a glimpse of his johnson, if only to put to rest this part of the controversy. but Gizmo does not, repeat: not have a johnson.
ugh. let's just move on.
3. never feed him after midnight - news flash, Chris Columbus. it's always after midnight. when can we start feeding our mogwai again? especially the retarded sociopath mogwai. i don't know much, but i do know that you don't want to be around when those little buggers have gone too long without food. even assuming an arbitrary time (let's say 6 am) when it's okay to feed them again, whose clock does it go off of? the bank's? your cellphone? it's just a headache waiting to happen, trying to figure out what time it REALLY is while your illegal exotic pet with the atrophied frontal lobe is gnawing through your fingers, trying to get at a box of Triscuits.
additionally, did Gizmo comprehend why the kibble train stops at midnight? does he understand the implications of late-night snacking for his species? or is it a constant struggle for him NOT to eat after hours, like he's a recovering heroine junkie? is there always a struggle with the dark part of his psyche that wants to gobble down a family-size can of the spaghetti-o's with the wieners and watch Scott van Pelt announce NHL highlights on the 1 am sportscenter? man, so many questions...
let's get to some updates.
Gambling Update:
my friend Yak and i have recently hypothesized, researched, and experimented with an intricate system of betting on nightly professional men's basketball games, in a league commonly referred to as the NBA. this system involves a careful analysis of each game, followed by the prudent and reasonable selection of only the most fitting underdogs on which to place our bets, which maximizes our value for each dollar bet in the event of an upset win by those select underdogs. it is failing miserably.
the good news is that the WNBA season starts in a scant 7 1/2 months, and we are already working on a completely separate and unrelated betting system to accomodate the intricacies of the ladies' professional basketball league. if you are considering wagering any sum of money on the WNBA in the upcoming season, you will want to be aware that the Minnesota Lynx, while mired in the bottom half of the league in this past year, will most likely show a considerable improvement in 2010, as they have two of the league's top four draft picks in april. just something to keep in mind.
on an unrelated note, at what point does gambling become a "problem"?
Puppetmaster Update:
we at HWC headquarters are currently making what promises to be an ill-fated attempt to form a band. i myself have no intention nor desire to be a performing member in this ensemble. the future official HWC cover band will be made of three local musicians doing alt-country (for lack of a better term. think Wilco's album A.M.) covers of various underrated songs and artists from all genres. for the sake of those who are haven't already stopped reading this part, some of the following tracks will be in the mix:
Squidbillies theme song - Billy Joe Shaver
Nobody's Fault But Mine - Blind Willie Johnson
Bad Days - Flaming Lips
How Can I Love You if You Won't Lie Down? - Silver Jews
Another One Goes By - the Walkmen
B.O.B. - Outkast
Beautiful Day - Eels
Where Is My Mind? - Pixies
i think that nature of my contribution to the band's efforts will be largely managerial. motivation and direction fall completely within my wheelhouse. i'll probably also be the one to have to pay to have t-shirts made, and i think i'm the only one with a vehicle large enough to carry a drum set. so there's that.
all i'm saying is keep an eye out for Ghost Meat, the official HWC cover band. because it promises to be a rollicking good time at a party near you, if we can ever get it off the ground.
currently on the white board behind the bar: you are.
i know that it's been a couple of weeks since i've posted anything. the rust is probably showing as you read through the present sub-par entry. i thank all of you for showing the patience, common decency, and good taste to not send even a single email demanding, begging, or politely inquiring to know when i would be writing again. i assure you that your restraint has not gone unnoticed. it will not, however, be rewarded in any measurable fashion.
if you do care to prove yourself to lack the house training and geometry of a reasonable, tax-paying member of society, you can direct your queries to hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com or simply comment below.
i'm on it.
dave
Showing posts with label the greatness that is yak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the greatness that is yak. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
neverender
just a quick shout-out to my friend yak, who spent either hours or a few minutes putting together the kickass new banner at the top of the page. anything he does is far cooler than this blog deserves. i owe him many blowjobs. we all owe him many blowjobs.
Currently on the white board behind the bar: Milk me.
and yes, it is a blatant ripoff of the hot water music logo. that's what i requested. except that instead of "ripoff", i use the word "homage".
i'm on it.
dave
Currently on the white board behind the bar: Milk me.
and yes, it is a blatant ripoff of the hot water music logo. that's what i requested. except that instead of "ripoff", i use the word "homage".
i'm on it.
dave
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
our endless numbered days
so, i may have a revolutionary new blog idea.
by revolutionary, i mean piggy-backing someone else's good idea, changing it just a little bit, and calling it my own.
at this point, all four of my readers should have had time to have visited the "Fuck You, Penguin" blog i mentioned recently. if you have not done so, it indicates that you are either unwilling or unable to click the link to this blog that i have made available for you in the top right corner of this page. for the stupid, lazy, and/or armless (hi, mom!) members of the audience, the premise of the blog is the author telling "cute animals what's what".
for example, let's say they have a photo of some cuddly-looking blob of koala in a tree, eating some eucalyptus, or a tin can, or a bratwurst or whatever they eat. he's sitting there, looking innocent and adorable, and the blog-writer will post a brief paragraph that berates him, usually with violent threats and swearing. usually something like, "you think we don't see you in that tree, koala? we do. because you are a big, heinously obese ass-hat that should be FACE-RAPED LIKE A DEAF-MUTE BOSNIAN REFUGEE! you make me sick, koala, because i know you think you're so damn awesome just because i want to snuggle up with you. you think you're hot snot on a silver platter. but you're really just cold boogers on a paper plate. that's what we in america call a "sick burn", koala! live with it!"
and so on. this was for illustrative purposes only. obviously, the FYP blogger would come up with something funny and pointed, that would make his/her readers laugh... AND think.
but just ponder this - what if there were a similar blog dedicated to the sinister antics of a single child? isn't it safe to assume that if you like "Fuck You, Penguin", you will LOVE "Fuck You, Tiny Baby"?
just consider the possibilities. countless pictures of my adorable youngest child, each with a brief yet obscene paragraph that offers insults and threatens physical violence. it would give child protective services all the evidence they would ever need to take him from the home.
let me know what you think.
in other news, i have reconsidered my decision not to do a 2008 in review posting. screw my friend Yak, with his superior and stylish blog that features things i don't know anything about or could even begin to comprehend. who needs it? my readers love my bland and inferior style, and they probably don't even care about what's really cool or new. so suck it, Yak.
for the record, the following "awards" are in no particular order, nor do they follow any particular logic. they are just kind of as they come to me. also, if it happens to be a book or movie or album, it doesn't necessarily mean it was released in 2008. just that i read/saw/heard it in 2008, which is really all that's important here. just so we're clear. also, i don't have a cool name for the awards, like the "Cornbreadies" or anything. sorry. so, without further delay:
Best Rock-n-Roll Musical Concert Show (3-way tie):
Wilco and Dr. Dog @ the Robinson Theatre, Little Rock - mike and i went to this show way back in february (i think), before he and She That Shall Not Be Nicknamed got together and ruined what was left of my life. Dr. Dog is one of my current 10 favorite listens, and neither of us had any idea they would be opening that night. extremely solid band, and tighter than i would have guessed for a bunch of g-d longhair, barefoot, crunchy vermont hippies. highlight of the show for me, however, was Wilco playing "via chicago", where they do this thing during the chorus that is like a dick-punch of sound. tremendous.
The Sideshow Tragedy @ Whitewater Tavern, Little Rock - another outing for mike and i, just before he went hetero. my first time to go to a show at Whitewater, which may be the best bar in the south. at least the most oddly-situated. if you haven't seen the Sideshow Tragedy, and you live in the south or midwest, i can guarantee you two things: 1 - they will be playing somewhere near you within the next four months, and 2 - you will not be sorry you paid to see them. they are just one of those bands, that, if you don't like what they do, you probably just don't like music. anyway, i got exTREMEly drunk on jim beam and guinness and was into the show emotionally in a way that i hadn't been at a concert in a really long time. i threw my hat at the bass player during one song, while telling him what a "sick motherfucker" he was at the top of my lungs. an excellent night. oh! i almost forgot it was the same night that we stopped at another bar in LR called Midtown, where i proceeded to take a ginormous shit that stopped up the toilet in the women's room! sorry, ladies!
The Teeth @ the Jackrabbit Lounge, Shreveport - they were really close even before this, but they absolutely became my favorite band (at the time) after i saw them live. got to talk and do some shots with them pre- and post-show. just really great, genuine dudes that gave just about everything they had onstage. lots of energy, really fun, and the crowd knew all the songs, which made it spectacular, since it was a smaller venue. i don't know what else to say here, except that now they are broken up and two of them, peter and brian, are in a new project called The Purples. also, i hope they all get their clitorises bitten off for not putting out at least one more album.
Best Moment Involving One of the Children I Own:
The Middle One singing onstage with John Elliott, Memphis - Sweet Tits took The Middle One to see some friends of ours (John Elliott and Raina Rose) perform at some kind of unwashed hippie dope-smoke-a-thon in Memphis. John was playing his first song ("give me what i want") when he noticed The Middle One singing along in the front row, word-for-word. he stopped playing, told the Middle One to come up on stage, and they started the song over, singing together, and John letting him carry some of the chorus all by himself. of course, when they were finished, everyone applauded for him, which he loved. Sweet Tits got some really nice video of the whole thing. i guess you would have to know a little bit about The Middle One to have an idea why this meant as much to me as it did. but screw you.
Best Excuse to Acquire Salmonella:
speaking of that trip to Memphis, Sweet Tits brought me back a piece of fried chicken from this place called Gus's that's somewhere around downtown. holy moses. by the time i got it, the chicken was like 6 hours old and room temperature. and still might have been the best piece of fried chicken i've ever eaten. it was like deep-fried sex, seasoned with black tar heroin. yum.
Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for Me Personally:
this would clearly be the day that i found out that the proprietor of a particular locally-owned food establishment was either - a. dead as hell or b. incapacitated or in some kind of coma or something. "dammit," i said. " i guess we'll have to order some of that fucking papa john's bullshit." they had REALLY great handmade pizza there, you see, and i was perplexed as to why no one was answering the phone to take my order for a large sausage, mushroom, and basil. (for the record, he is/was a really great dude, and Sweet Tits and i had talked with him on a number of occasions. it was just in that particular instance, his well-being was completely overshadowed by my immense and pressing need for delicious pizza.)
Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for The Girl:
i would think that at some point, for every invested parent, there comes a time when you look at your child and see the indelible mark that you have left on them, be it good or bad. my moment with The Girl came after this completely ludicrous wind and hail storm last spring. we were leaving the car wash and we passed a lexus with a back windshield that had been completely cratered in. "dad! look at that!" she said. "i know, baby," i replied. "it probably got caved in from the big hailstorm last night." "BOOM! SICK BURN!" she yells. prouder moments have been few and far between. i just wish that we had had the windows rolled up, so that Jimmy Lexus-Owner would not have shot my favorite child that well-deserved go-to-hell look.
Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for The Tiny Baby:
that stupid bastard head-butted me right in the damn nose the other day. technically not in 2008, i know, but shit...
Favorite New Beverage (non-alcoholic):
those tasty little Starbucks Doubleshot cans! fast, totally delish, and they let me make lewd jokes to the Starbucks Cougar on occasion and pass it off as harmless banter. bwa-ha-ha, Starbucks Cougar. you are becoming ensnared in my web of charm.
Favorite New Beverage (alcoholic):
Baker's Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. mmmmmm. 7 years old. 107 proof. one of the Jim Beam small batch collection. a glass of Baker's is like a long, warm, painless coma that you don't want to wake up from. no ice, just the smallest splash of water to open it up some.
Best TV Show:
The Wire. not just the best for this year, but probably the best for any year. funny, tragic, sickeningly real, honest, intelligent, complex, well-written, and a minimum of bullshit. if you have never seen The Wire, i want you to quit your job, go buy seasons 1-5, and then sit down and watch the entire series beginning to end. you are allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and answer the door when the pizza dude gets there, and you had better pause the program when you do those things. there's just too much to keep up with to miss a minute or two while you are making a dookie. (dukey? dooky? how do you spell that?)
Most Disappointing Movie:
Burn After Reading by the Coen brothers. the only reason i didn't get up and leave in the middle is because it's the Coen brothers, and i kept expecting it to get good. the trailers looked good, and there were a couple of funny moments, but for the most part it just seemed like they were trying to remake Fargo or something. considering all their other fine films, though, i'm sure i'll get over it. i liked No Country For Old Men enough that they never have to make another good movie again.
Most Surprisingly Good Movie:
Batman Returns or Begins or whatever. the one with Heath Ledger they kept talking about all the time. i can't really say much that hasn't already been said about it, i'm sure. it was just really surprising that a movie that everyone said was so good was actually really fucking good. because everyone said those goddam spiderman movies were so awesome, but they mostly sucked cat labia.
Currently on the white board behind the bar - it's in the mog house, noob!
well, hell, i can't really think of anything else, but i'm sure there's quite a lot. my long-term memory is atrocious. if you are at all curious regarding my best or worst or whatever superlative for any given thing or circumstance, you should be able to reach me via electronic letter-writer-sender, which is hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com, and i will do my best to get to both emails. but time is in short supply, and there's always the chance that one of them will suck. so, you know.
i'm on it.
dave
by revolutionary, i mean piggy-backing someone else's good idea, changing it just a little bit, and calling it my own.
at this point, all four of my readers should have had time to have visited the "Fuck You, Penguin" blog i mentioned recently. if you have not done so, it indicates that you are either unwilling or unable to click the link to this blog that i have made available for you in the top right corner of this page. for the stupid, lazy, and/or armless (hi, mom!) members of the audience, the premise of the blog is the author telling "cute animals what's what".
for example, let's say they have a photo of some cuddly-looking blob of koala in a tree, eating some eucalyptus, or a tin can, or a bratwurst or whatever they eat. he's sitting there, looking innocent and adorable, and the blog-writer will post a brief paragraph that berates him, usually with violent threats and swearing. usually something like, "you think we don't see you in that tree, koala? we do. because you are a big, heinously obese ass-hat that should be FACE-RAPED LIKE A DEAF-MUTE BOSNIAN REFUGEE! you make me sick, koala, because i know you think you're so damn awesome just because i want to snuggle up with you. you think you're hot snot on a silver platter. but you're really just cold boogers on a paper plate. that's what we in america call a "sick burn", koala! live with it!"
and so on. this was for illustrative purposes only. obviously, the FYP blogger would come up with something funny and pointed, that would make his/her readers laugh... AND think.
but just ponder this - what if there were a similar blog dedicated to the sinister antics of a single child? isn't it safe to assume that if you like "Fuck You, Penguin", you will LOVE "Fuck You, Tiny Baby"?
just consider the possibilities. countless pictures of my adorable youngest child, each with a brief yet obscene paragraph that offers insults and threatens physical violence. it would give child protective services all the evidence they would ever need to take him from the home.
let me know what you think.
in other news, i have reconsidered my decision not to do a 2008 in review posting. screw my friend Yak, with his superior and stylish blog that features things i don't know anything about or could even begin to comprehend. who needs it? my readers love my bland and inferior style, and they probably don't even care about what's really cool or new. so suck it, Yak.
for the record, the following "awards" are in no particular order, nor do they follow any particular logic. they are just kind of as they come to me. also, if it happens to be a book or movie or album, it doesn't necessarily mean it was released in 2008. just that i read/saw/heard it in 2008, which is really all that's important here. just so we're clear. also, i don't have a cool name for the awards, like the "Cornbreadies" or anything. sorry. so, without further delay:
Best Rock-n-Roll Musical Concert Show (3-way tie):
Wilco and Dr. Dog @ the Robinson Theatre, Little Rock - mike and i went to this show way back in february (i think), before he and She That Shall Not Be Nicknamed got together and ruined what was left of my life. Dr. Dog is one of my current 10 favorite listens, and neither of us had any idea they would be opening that night. extremely solid band, and tighter than i would have guessed for a bunch of g-d longhair, barefoot, crunchy vermont hippies. highlight of the show for me, however, was Wilco playing "via chicago", where they do this thing during the chorus that is like a dick-punch of sound. tremendous.
The Sideshow Tragedy @ Whitewater Tavern, Little Rock - another outing for mike and i, just before he went hetero. my first time to go to a show at Whitewater, which may be the best bar in the south. at least the most oddly-situated. if you haven't seen the Sideshow Tragedy, and you live in the south or midwest, i can guarantee you two things: 1 - they will be playing somewhere near you within the next four months, and 2 - you will not be sorry you paid to see them. they are just one of those bands, that, if you don't like what they do, you probably just don't like music. anyway, i got exTREMEly drunk on jim beam and guinness and was into the show emotionally in a way that i hadn't been at a concert in a really long time. i threw my hat at the bass player during one song, while telling him what a "sick motherfucker" he was at the top of my lungs. an excellent night. oh! i almost forgot it was the same night that we stopped at another bar in LR called Midtown, where i proceeded to take a ginormous shit that stopped up the toilet in the women's room! sorry, ladies!
The Teeth @ the Jackrabbit Lounge, Shreveport - they were really close even before this, but they absolutely became my favorite band (at the time) after i saw them live. got to talk and do some shots with them pre- and post-show. just really great, genuine dudes that gave just about everything they had onstage. lots of energy, really fun, and the crowd knew all the songs, which made it spectacular, since it was a smaller venue. i don't know what else to say here, except that now they are broken up and two of them, peter and brian, are in a new project called The Purples. also, i hope they all get their clitorises bitten off for not putting out at least one more album.
Best Moment Involving One of the Children I Own:
The Middle One singing onstage with John Elliott, Memphis - Sweet Tits took The Middle One to see some friends of ours (John Elliott and Raina Rose) perform at some kind of unwashed hippie dope-smoke-a-thon in Memphis. John was playing his first song ("give me what i want") when he noticed The Middle One singing along in the front row, word-for-word. he stopped playing, told the Middle One to come up on stage, and they started the song over, singing together, and John letting him carry some of the chorus all by himself. of course, when they were finished, everyone applauded for him, which he loved. Sweet Tits got some really nice video of the whole thing. i guess you would have to know a little bit about The Middle One to have an idea why this meant as much to me as it did. but screw you.
Best Excuse to Acquire Salmonella:
speaking of that trip to Memphis, Sweet Tits brought me back a piece of fried chicken from this place called Gus's that's somewhere around downtown. holy moses. by the time i got it, the chicken was like 6 hours old and room temperature. and still might have been the best piece of fried chicken i've ever eaten. it was like deep-fried sex, seasoned with black tar heroin. yum.
Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for Me Personally:
this would clearly be the day that i found out that the proprietor of a particular locally-owned food establishment was either - a. dead as hell or b. incapacitated or in some kind of coma or something. "dammit," i said. " i guess we'll have to order some of that fucking papa john's bullshit." they had REALLY great handmade pizza there, you see, and i was perplexed as to why no one was answering the phone to take my order for a large sausage, mushroom, and basil. (for the record, he is/was a really great dude, and Sweet Tits and i had talked with him on a number of occasions. it was just in that particular instance, his well-being was completely overshadowed by my immense and pressing need for delicious pizza.)
Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for The Girl:
i would think that at some point, for every invested parent, there comes a time when you look at your child and see the indelible mark that you have left on them, be it good or bad. my moment with The Girl came after this completely ludicrous wind and hail storm last spring. we were leaving the car wash and we passed a lexus with a back windshield that had been completely cratered in. "dad! look at that!" she said. "i know, baby," i replied. "it probably got caved in from the big hailstorm last night." "BOOM! SICK BURN!" she yells. prouder moments have been few and far between. i just wish that we had had the windows rolled up, so that Jimmy Lexus-Owner would not have shot my favorite child that well-deserved go-to-hell look.
Most Heartless and Insensitive Moment for The Tiny Baby:
that stupid bastard head-butted me right in the damn nose the other day. technically not in 2008, i know, but shit...
Favorite New Beverage (non-alcoholic):
those tasty little Starbucks Doubleshot cans! fast, totally delish, and they let me make lewd jokes to the Starbucks Cougar on occasion and pass it off as harmless banter. bwa-ha-ha, Starbucks Cougar. you are becoming ensnared in my web of charm.
Favorite New Beverage (alcoholic):
Baker's Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. mmmmmm. 7 years old. 107 proof. one of the Jim Beam small batch collection. a glass of Baker's is like a long, warm, painless coma that you don't want to wake up from. no ice, just the smallest splash of water to open it up some.
Best TV Show:
The Wire. not just the best for this year, but probably the best for any year. funny, tragic, sickeningly real, honest, intelligent, complex, well-written, and a minimum of bullshit. if you have never seen The Wire, i want you to quit your job, go buy seasons 1-5, and then sit down and watch the entire series beginning to end. you are allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and answer the door when the pizza dude gets there, and you had better pause the program when you do those things. there's just too much to keep up with to miss a minute or two while you are making a dookie. (dukey? dooky? how do you spell that?)
Most Disappointing Movie:
Burn After Reading by the Coen brothers. the only reason i didn't get up and leave in the middle is because it's the Coen brothers, and i kept expecting it to get good. the trailers looked good, and there were a couple of funny moments, but for the most part it just seemed like they were trying to remake Fargo or something. considering all their other fine films, though, i'm sure i'll get over it. i liked No Country For Old Men enough that they never have to make another good movie again.
Most Surprisingly Good Movie:
Batman Returns or Begins or whatever. the one with Heath Ledger they kept talking about all the time. i can't really say much that hasn't already been said about it, i'm sure. it was just really surprising that a movie that everyone said was so good was actually really fucking good. because everyone said those goddam spiderman movies were so awesome, but they mostly sucked cat labia.
Currently on the white board behind the bar - it's in the mog house, noob!
well, hell, i can't really think of anything else, but i'm sure there's quite a lot. my long-term memory is atrocious. if you are at all curious regarding my best or worst or whatever superlative for any given thing or circumstance, you should be able to reach me via electronic letter-writer-sender, which is hotwatercornbreadblog@gmail.com, and i will do my best to get to both emails. but time is in short supply, and there's always the chance that one of them will suck. so, you know.
i'm on it.
dave
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